Thursday, January 24, 2008
I feel very relieve these days whenever it rains. It's so hot and humid that it makes feel feel even hotter and more bothered when the little ones make a lot of noise or interrupt me. No PE again today because the hall was occupied. I was secretly glad because that meant I could use that period for something else - Eng or Maths.
They feel disappointed of course. I'm unusually tired. I hope I'm not coming down with a cold. That's the last thing I need with so many things lining up. My sup actually told me today to try to enjoy my stay here @_@ I finally truthfully told her that things are taking a toil on me. Not in those exact words of course. There are simply too many things for me to settle and it's the first time I'm dealing with such things somemore that I feel I can no longer keep up. Just feel more and more drained these days. Best thing was I found out that's no external instructor for the CCA that I'm incharged of, which means I am to recruit, settle admin matters and teach them how to play when I don't think I can even identify a volleyball from other balls? I only know the balls are white and light "-_-.
I don't think the school is being fair to me by using me as someone to fill in the space they are so desperate to fill up without thinking about whether it'll overwhelm me. I scold so much everyday that I'm becoming more and more bad and hot tempered. Scolding plus being buried with stuff make me a rather unpleasant teacher. I don't know what the kids think though, I just feel they still don't fear me enough.
At certain moments, I really feel like throwing in the towel. It's easy for others in there to tell me not to stress myself too much but when things don't go well, it's even easier for those at the top top top to judge right? Who knows what humans think? I don't like to tell people I can't do something especially at a workplace. It only reflects incompetence to those who do not genuinely understand. Don't like to ask people too much because they have their own stuff to handle but when you don't ask enough and then things do not go perfectly, people might start questioning why you didn't ask in the first place.
Super tired. Even weekends aren't enough for me to recharge. It's not just about sufficient sleep anymore. In fact, in terms of the number of hours, I do have enough sleep. It's more of like having no personal time for myself, for my hobbies anymore. I really wonder if working often means having to almost give up on your hobbies totally? I can't get work out of my head. On weekends, I'm still preparing my work stuff. When I'm out, at times, I would wonder in what way can I hurry up with the topics and yet enable more of them to understand the concepts. Despite thinking of work all the time, I have to say that I'm no super dedicated teacher. I just feel that when you're in the service line, you have to make sure that no matter what, your conscience is clear because you have a lot to answer to everyone. You have to make sure you done your best and that is just that.
Yet, what is considered the best? When it's an environment which emphasizes a lot on results, it's difficult to turn away from the result slip and still think that everything is like in fairyland.
Today I actually yelled at one of my boys until he cried. I shouted at the top of my voice and he finally burst into tears. Why? It's because I have a simple requirement that I expect my kids to follow, that is, whenever I write the homework to be done on the board, I expect them to take out their diaries right away to copy so that they will not forget. I will also write down a specific book to bring too. These are the books which we use only once a week like social studies workbook and health education workbook. Fearing that they will forget, I will write down the day before even though they have their own timetables and should know how to pack their bags. I feel that I'm already spoon feeding them like mad but there's not much choice too.
Anyway, he forgot to bring the book today and when I questioned him about the diary, he said he didn't copy. That's when I blew my top. I'm repeated myself many times that if a pupil were to copy and yet forgot to bring/ do, I might not scold but if the pupil didn't bother to even copy and yet dare to forget to bring, I would really scold. After that when he went back to his seat, he also didn't copy again to remind himself to bring it tomorrow. I had to scold him again.
After recess, when I added on the board, more homework to be done at home. His classmates actually finished copying when I walked to him and asked him if he'd finished. I found out that he had not even taken out his diary. In the end, the whole class had to wait for him alone. "-_- So he received another round of scolding from me.
Wah lao.. I felt out of breath man. I don't like to scold but a few of them are really lazy. They can't even be bothered to copy a few lines from the board. Yes, outsiders' comments would be things like, "he's still young.." blah blah blah. But now it's not a matter of age. It's not a matter of coming up with answers that impress me to death. It's just about following a simple instruction that I say to the class everyday. It's just a simple act of copying homework to be done, onto the diary.Labels: Work
Serendipity believed today at 10:48 PM
